i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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