also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
