just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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