I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
