Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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