In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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