I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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