Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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