My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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