I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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