My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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