did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
