I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
