I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
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woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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