I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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