my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
