fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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