I feel like abortions should bother me more
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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