went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
