Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
