Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
