I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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