This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
