Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
