I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
