either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
