i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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