my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
