I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
