i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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