Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
