well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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