new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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