The maid of honor just puked.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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