Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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