as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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