she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
