Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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