im drinking this country out of the recession.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
