talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
