literally had 100 drinks last night.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
