Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
