Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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