dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am available for nakedness
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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