OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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