nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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