I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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