You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
