First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
