Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
