I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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