just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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