mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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