I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
