I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
