Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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