i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
