I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
