so let's talk penis.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
