You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
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